I made a decision

I want a happy marriage. Having a baby sure put a strain on my relationship with my husband. The pregnancy itself was full of complaints. The sleep deprivation has been tough on us both. But there's this part of me that really clings to the 'mommy martyr' idea that although my husband may be affected by lack of sleep, it's not to the extent I deal with it. And I want him to care for me and help me and do his share of the chores because 1 - he loves me, and 2 - its fair. I'm home all day with the baby, who is a real handful. I'm lucky on the days we get naps in because they're rare. I get up with the baby every time he cries at night. I've done this for almost 10 months now. I don't think my husband has gotten up more than 5 times in these past 10 months. Granted, he is working. But on the weekends, he's not. (Or shouldn't be.) He claims he doesn't hear the baby cry. I get up too fast. But if I don't get up fast, then the baby wakes up more and its harder to get him back to sleep.

So, like the title says, I've made a decision. I want a happy marriage. I'm trying to be more pleasant and upbeat, and complain less. The problem is, the less I complain, the more my husband complains. And the more I look at relationship books and do things that show I'm actually trying to work at our marriage, the less he responds or seems to show any inkling that he cares about me. And when I brought up to him tonight that I didn't feel loved, he just rolled over and told me to go to sleep. No kisses, no "I love you", no good night. *Sigh* Marriage is hard work. I know that. But it breaks my heart to not feel loved and appreciated.